Friday, November 26, 2010

My aspirations and fears

What I hope for the coming months is that, at the moments that I need my mind to do something in particular, I can overcome whatever inertia there is to actually get those things accomplished. My fears with taking a drug are that it will fundamentally change the way I think, interact and learn. I am a reasonably bright if terribly inarticulate person. I feel that my intelligence comes from a particular combination of factors, ones that I believe have been positively affected by the mindset that ADHD brings on.
Firstly, I am a voracious learner... but of no subject in particular. I read, listen to audio courses, use educational software and watch videos about a huge variety of topics. I am never bored by learning. Secondly, I have a rather good memory for facts, ideas, etc. Abstract things, disconnected from my day to day. I remember dates of battles, chain of events, the outcomes of chemical reactions but I can never remember where I put my keys. From these two factors have arisen a type of intelligence that I've rarely seen outside the ADHD community: people that see the connection between things.
Connection making forms the basis for my logic and it is something I am afraid won't happen if my mind flits quickly from thought to thought. The idea that drugs could improve some faculties but blunt this one is scary to me and it is one of the reasons that, at the age of 23, I have yet to start a treatment program.
I am casting my lot with the drugs now because, to be honest, I am very much in need of the ability to concentrate on and accomplish concrete things, if just for a while. I am currently employed full time at a hospital and am taking 3 classes (Biology, Chemistry and Physics) at 3 different institutions. I am more than halfway through these classes and, as was the case in much of my undergraduate career, I am scared that I will not make it through all of them. I hope that I prove myself wrong and, as always, I have hope in the next semester. I hope that the drugs can help me with this. Wish me luck!

-Tim

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