The first day

I went down to the pharmacy on the third floor of the building in the hospital where I work today and got my 30 day supply of Wellbutrin XL 150 mg. This is the stuff that is supposed to make at least some of my problems go away.

I realized that it would take a lot of effort and will power in addition to the pills to make myself more organized, my mind less easily distracted, my life less scattered, but nonetheless there was a decent moment of excitement and terror when I took the pill.

Of course, nothing happened. My psychiatrist told me it would take at least a month for me to start feeling the effects of the medicine, another 60 days till it was full on. I've started keeping a little notebook (a planner of sorts) on me at all times, as well as my phone with a little app called "remember the milk" which is a kind of a running to do list, and I've been trying really hard not to give into distractions. I noticed nothing in particular today except for a slight eyelid twitch, which might have been from allergies or the fact that the air felt especially dry today. I'll try not to think to much about that as that might cause it to come on more and I don't think it's actually related to the Wellbutrin. Here's to day 2.

Daily Tally:

Cigarettes smoked: 0

Alcohol consumed: none

Work outs: 0

Yoga practices: 1

Blog posts written: 1

Homework assignments turned in on time: 0

Homework assignments missed: 0

Running Tally:

Cigarettes smoked: 0

Alcohol consumed: none

Work outs: 0

Yoga practices: 1

Blog posts written: 1

Homework assignments turned in on time: 0

Homework assignments missed: 0

My aspirations and fears

What I hope for the coming months is that, at the moments that I need my mind to do something in particular, I can overcome whatever inertia there is to actually get those things accomplished. My fears with taking a drug are that it will fundamentally change the way I think, interact and learn. I am a reasonably bright if terribly inarticulate person. I feel that my intelligence comes from a particular combination of factors, ones that I believe have been positively affected by the mindset that ADHD brings on.

Firstly, I am a voracious learner... but of no subject in particular. I read, listen to audio courses, use educational software and watch videos about a huge variety of topics. I am never bored by learning. Secondly, I have a rather good memory for facts, ideas, etc. Abstract things, disconnected from my day to day. I remember dates of battles, chain of events, the outcomes of chemical reactions but I can never remember where I put my keys. From these two factors have arisen a type of intelligence that I've rarely seen outside the ADHD community: people that see the connection between things.

Connection making forms the basis for my logic and it is something I am afraid won't happen if my mind flits quickly from thought to thought. The idea that drugs could improve some faculties but blunt this one is scary to me and it is one of the reasons that, at the age of 23, I have yet to start a treatment program.

I am casting my lot with the drugs now because, to be honest, I am very much in need of the ability to concentrate on and accomplish concrete things, if just for a while. I am currently employed full time at a hospital and am taking 3 classes (Biology, Chemistry and Physics) at 3 different institutions. I am more than halfway through these classes and, as was the case in much of my undergraduate career, I am scared that I will not make it through all of them. I hope that I prove myself wrong and, as always, I have hope in the next semester. I hope that the drugs can help me with this. Wish me luck!

-Tim

Start Post

Hi there,

I'm going to be starting treatment for ADHD this coming Monday. That's attention deficit with hyperactivity disorder. I don't think that I necessarily qualify for the hyperactivity part of it, since I'm quite able to sit still for a while (especially with a good book), but the terms were officially changed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) back in 1994 so I thought I might as well get onboard the truck.

ADHD presents differently in most people so I'll spend a minute on what it means for me. I am a constant loser of things. I cannot, seconds after I put something down, remember where I've put it. It's actually quite trying. Leaving the house in the morning is a 45 minute affair, on average. People have suggested many solutions, the primary one being to have, "a place for everything and everything in its place." This strategy has had some benefits for me, but there are 2 issues.

Primarily, one must remember to put things in their place to be able to find them. When one has problems with memory in the first place, this is no small task. Secondarily, from day to day one will need different things along the way with them. Some days I need a coat, a scarf and headphones, somedays I'll need one work out clothes and a jacket, files for the office and my chemistry book. Even getting myself to remember what to bring is extremely taxing and finding those things once I've remembered is sometimes too much.

Aside from the issue of finding things, I have an extremely hard time sitting down to extended tasks. Namely: school work, writing, yoga, cleaning, organizing, working out, etc. Anything that requires multiple steps over a long period is quite a challenge to sit down to. I feel the overwhelming sensation that I don't have time enough to do it, even when that is not the case, and I find any reason I can to stand up from it, even for a short period. Connected to this is the hardship I find in staying on task. A pretty absurd example presented itself the other day when, in the middle of a chemistry problem set, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. There, I saw some tiles chipped on our kitchen wall and remembered that I'd recently bought supplies to retile the wall. I got myself involved in a 2-hour home improvement project in the middle of a problem set that was due the next day! To say that at no point in that project did I remember the Chemistry work that needed doing would be fallacious but when I initiated the project, when I completely forgot about the coffee, Chemistry was the farthest thing from my mind. As I continued the project, every once and a while their would be the far off memory of the problem set butting up against my consciousness, but at no point did it seem a pressing concern to return to.

This is the problem with disorders where you are functional: You know how normal people function; your mind simply cannot and will not be made to do those things.